My To Do List for 2012

Another year draws to a close.  It's that time when we all make our list and plan for the next year to be better.  Like everyone else I too have made my plans.  I want to be thinner, happier, less stressed.  I want to be more successful in whatever I choose to devote my time to.  I want to be debt free.  You know, the usuals.  Whether or not I can achieve any or all of these goals remains to be seen.  I will do my best to stay dedicated to making a go of it.  I can't say this year has been all bad but like many years past it had it's moments.  I think I am finally happy with where I am in life.  I can be content with my location and situation.  That is a great improvement from this time last year.

So many things I have put on hold.  Like most women, I put the needs of my loved ones before my own.  I've been doing it so long I don't even know myself anymore.  I do things that make me happy but I can't say that I "am" happy.  I don't know if that makes any sense but it does to me.  I have been on a slow spiral downward.  I worry that my best years have past.  I worry that there are some things I need to let go of for my own sanity.

This past week my husband and I rearranged our furniture.  Yes, again.  We finally decided to let go of the idea of who we were.  The life we had before doesn't fit, figurative and literally, in this house.  That meant we had to really look at who we are today and decide what needed to go.  We set aside some furniture pieces and lived with the changes for a bit.  It finally seems we have a comfortable family room and formal living room.  No longer are we desperate to hold on to furniture that was meant for another house and another life.  We have let go of the furniture, not the memories.  I have made more room in my house and in my heart for better things yet to come.

I found a list the other day tucked into my sketch book.  I must have put it there for safe keeping.  It was a to do list of sorts for preparing to have a baby.  It made me sad.  There was quite a bit on the list that I have accomplished but other things are no longer applicable.  If I adjusted the list, it would be longer now despite my many accomplishments.  I think it is easier to accept the answer being "no"  when you have made the decision yourself.  It is another thing when it is far beyond your control.  When do you stop asking and just accept the answer?  I am afraid I will have to let that go too and just be happy with the situation I am given.  Even now that puts a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat.  Some have told us to stop over thinking it.  People have children with far less every day.  I understand that but I don't think that is a good enough reason. 

So my countdown begins to the next year of my life.  A new beginning to make myself a better person.  The person I want to be.  The person I deserve to be.  I challenge anyone reading this to take the time for reflection on not just the past year but on yourself.  What list would you make for the new year?  Aside from the usual list that just about every person on the planet has here is my main goals for this upcoming year:

1.  Be a better wife.
2.  Love myself.
3. Don't give up.
4.  Lighten up.

5.  Be happy.