I started the year with great expectations. I really thought I had everything figured out. Life had other plans. No matter how much thought I put into it, time and unforseen occurrence changes everything. I have already had my tragedies and joy and it's only February. Early this year I had to say goodbye to one of my beloved pets. It was much too soon and completely unexpected. I cried for days on end over the smallest things. I think I mourned the idea of the lifestyle that could never be as I mourned the loss of my companion. I am a very realistic person and I am often frustrated with that part of myself. I wanted to be sad forever but I know it is not healthy to stay in a dark place for too long. I felt sorry for my poor husband who couldn't bear to see my sadness start when I got up and hear me cry myself to sleep each night. I tried to push past it as quickly as I could but I would have flashes of thoughts go through my mind. Some were happy and that made me sad. I am not saying my dog was the best in the world. To be honest he was no Lassie but he was all mine. I was there the day he was born. I raised him with the idea of a life in the suburbs with a white fence and grassy backyard for him and the kids to play. I don't have any of those things now. I moved from the house. I don't have kids and now I don't even have the dog. I realize in retrospect now that I was desperate to keep some part of my very first dog who is growing old by having this puppy. He is part of her only litter and was her first born. His disposition and his half blue eye reminded me of her so very much. I guess I was trying to hold on a little longer to something that has been such a big part of my life. Even now as I write this I shed tears. I find there are so many milestones all coming together to make this a life changing year.
I did my best to keep up the regular routine of life but there was a giant hole in my heart. I lost the motivation to do the things I used to. I couldn't find the inspiration to create my art without my muse at my feet. I then realized I needed to fill the dark spot in my heart with someone else to love. I needed to find another dog. Someone who needed me as much as I needed them. I started on the internet looking in my town for rescue dogs, puppies for sale, anything. I checked every local vet's office hoping to find a sign. Something that would jump out and speak to me in a way that only Chico could. I looked for a connection in a lot of places. I searched the word "puppy" for the entire state of Florida. I then realized I needed to figure out what was special about Chico that I wanted to find in the next dog. I wanted a male. He needed to be young because our new living situation required he get along with a lot of different animals. I like that Chico was a mixed breed. Short hair was a must and black and white was preferred but not mandatory. He had to be perfectly imperfect. My family was worried that I was looking for something that I would never find. I had to reassure them that I would never expect to find the exact match to what I lost. It's like buying another pair of jeans that are almost exactly like your favorite pair. No matter how much you wish it, they will never be the same. How you live each day brings new events and each leaves its own unique mark. I believe it is disrespectful to act like the love and relationship we shared, no matter how brief, could be substituted or replaced. I wanted so much more for this next puppy. I wanted him to be even better that the first. I was flipping through puppy finder.com and I came across a picture of a 12 week old boxer/lab mix. At least that is what they say he is. None of that mattered when I saw his sad, sweet face. His eyes were so expressive he called to me. I was instantly in love and had to have him. I found out he was up for adoption the following weekend and would be at a Petsmart location 90 minutes away. I would have driven 90 days to get that dog. Everything seemed to fall into place.
I don't know if you have ever been to a puppy rescue adoption but the competition is brutal. People camp out for hours, even in the cold. There was a signup sheet just to keep order amid the scary mob of potential owners. The crowd grew restless and as we waited for the trucks of puppies to arrive. I grew more nervous that I would never get the puppy I wanted. How could I being number 10 on the list. I was sure everyone saw what I did in that little sweet face. Surely there would be a bidding war or something. I was prepared to play mind games and go all "survivor" on these people. How could he possibly go home with anyone else? Who could love him like me? How silly I was. There were over 50 puppies and everyone wanted the youngest, the fluffiest or the prettiest. Yellow labs, chocolate labs, australian shepherd mixes all were the pups of choice. I was the only one interrested in this freakish little mutt. His cute puppiness was soon to disappear into a rather large black dog. He has been the perfect addition to our family. He is so mellow and calm. I decided to give him a spanish name as we have for all of our dogs. Chiquita, my female was so beautiful and little her name, meaning little girl, was perfect. Guapo, meaning handsome and masculine or manly, was equally perfect for our blue pitt. Chico, meaning little boy, was just right for the son of Chiquita. Our baby is Pancho, which means peaceful and calm. He is all that and more. He has brought peace to our family, our home and our hearts. I still have moments where I miss Chico and I know that with time all my wounds will heal. Each day gets a little easier and each new happy moment replaces the painful ones. I still haven't gotten back to creating but I am feeling more inspired.
Last weekend we built stairs from the deck to our privacy fenced portion of the yard. We had always planned to but with Chico being unpredictable and a fence jumper we allowed fear to paralyze us. As we worked on it the dogs all played and enjoyed the new space. We also decided it is time for us to replace our outdoor kitchen and grill unit which has lived to its capacity. I suddenly felt overwhelmed with emotion. I was sad that this was opening a new chapter in our lives and closing the door on another. I was once again reminded of the life once lived and that I was moving on. I was afraid for the unknown future that lies before me. I was happy to be accomplishing something good and I know more good things are yet to come. I have never been afraid of the unknown. When I was younger it was exciting to think about what the future had in store for me. Now as I get ever closer to turning 30 I realize that life keeps changing. Life is a moving train and you know what they say about moving trains, you can't stop it.
I think back on all the great moments I have been privileged to enjoy. The sorrow and tragedies I have endured. The lessons I have learned. The love I have shared. All of them have brought me to where I am today. Like it or not I can't go back and change a thing and if given the chance I don't know if I would. Each little decision has led me to the next and shaped who I am today. I am stronger from some and most definitely wiser from many others. I don't know what lies down the road ahead of me but as long as I have my loved ones beside me I won't fear the future. I'll just have to remember to enjoy the scenery as I go.
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