Noone can be truly prepared for parenthood. I have been told that many times but never really believed it. I was sure that most things could be organized and arranged or practiced and researched before the arrival of a baby. When I found out I was going to be a mother I put into motion an elaborate plan for preparation. We completed major renovations to our home. I baby-proofed the house to the best of my ability. We decorated a nursery. I bought clothes sized for the next year for her. I sorted my own wardrobe for easy dressing after her arrival. I read all the required reading for all soon-to-be moms. I even got online regularly researching various parenting topics. Despite my best efforts I still wasn't completely prepared.
Checklists for what to put in your diaper bag are really more of a guideline than an exact science. Decisions continually present themselves that have never been considered. Which is the best side of the car to install the carseat? Which brand of diapers do you prefer? Pampers have the moisture notification stripe but Huggies have a gathered back for better fit. Which wipes? Should you buy name brand or generic? Is hypoallergenic really necessary? How long will she fit in this outfit? Should I buy the next size? Then there is the panic that sets in over the basics. Am I doing this right? Is she getting enough to eat? Should I supplement with formula? Which bottle is best? Do I give her a pacifier? Is she gaining enough weight? Is her poop right? Is her belly button the right shape? Does she sleep too much? Should I wake her? The list goes on and on. I have never felt so insecure in my life. I am normally a confident person but when there is someone so small and helpless dependent on my decision making skills even the smallest decision seems to have life or death hanging in the balance.
I have been working on developing my brand and online shops for a few years now. Just as I am getting a good idea of where I'm going with these I deliver my daughter. From my hospital bed I am working and taking orders. I go home and expect to get so many things done during the time she's sleeping. Experts say newborns sleep like 16 hours a day. That should be plenty of time to get some work done. What they don't tell you is that she wants to spend that entire time in your arms. I have been struggling to complete even the simplest tasks. Projects take much longer than they used to.
I have been a mother for almost four months now and I am still not completely sure of what I am doing. I am getting much better with the whole thing. Being a mom comes naturally to me as long as I'm not over thinking it. When I let my instincts reign and I relax I am actually pretty good at it. My daughter is happy and healthy and developmentally ahead of schedule. Still I can't help wishing I was doing more of everything. I wish I was cleaning more, cooking more, gardening more, working more, reading to her more, bonding more, sleeping more. You name it. I wish I had more time in my day for all those good things. I now have to accept the second fact that I have been told. Enjoy it. Time flies and they grow so quickly. She's only going to be this little once. She'll be a grown up forever.
I am happy to have her in my life and I am enjoying spending time with her. I secretly relish the moment when she only wants to be with me. I love that she craves my attention and despite the other activites I could be doing I still hesitate to put her down for a nap. I fall asleep at night watching her in her basinette. I wake in the middle of the night just before she does to eat and I am proud to be her mom.
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